Marriage

The Truth about Marriage and Divorce

Series: The Sermon on the Mount

Speaker: Pastor Justin Wheeler

Scripture: Matthew 5:31-32

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If the Bible is telling us the truth about reality, then the universe and our place within it are not accidental, they are filled with divine purpose. If the Bible is telling us the truth about reality, then we know that there is a purpose to everything, that time, matter and physics are not ultimate and that our lives and how we live them truly matter. If the Bible is telling us the truth about reality, then we know that life and death are among the most important things, that love is worth dying for, that music does make life better, that there is a time to laugh and a time to cry.

If the Bible is telling us the truth about reality, then we know that much of the popular cultural outlook is completely wrong. If the Bible is telling us the truth about reality, then we can know with certainty that God created mankind with marital romance in mind. In Genesis 2, God established Marriage as the first cultural institution and it was established before the fall as a gift to us and a profound mystery that has something to do with God’s plan for the world.

Before there was a city, a school, a hospital, or even a church; God established a home in the Garden for Adam and Eve to enjoy as husband and wife. Marriage was God’s plan and it did not come about as a social construct; rather it came down out of Heaven to occupy an exalted place in human history. This is how the Bible starts. This is how God’s story began.

At the beginning of Scripture and right on the heels of creation, God move very quickly from the creation of the universe to the marriage relationship between Adam and Eve? But why? Why does God put a man and a woman on center stage at the beginning of all things; because the story God wants to tell is a love story? It is a love story that ultimately takes shape when Jesus, our perfect groom, comes to redeem His eternal bride, the church, from the sin that drove us from Him in the first place. Marriage is a picture of the gospel and this means that there is more at stake in our understanding of marriage than we can imagine.

Transition…

For this reason, we need to take Jesus’ teaching on marriage and divorce far more seriously than many of us do. In Jesus’ day, there were some common cultural views on marriage and divorce. Those views were related to what Moses wrote in the book of Deuteronomy, but like many things, the true meaning of God’s word had been twisted to suit the desires of the day. The prevailing view at the time was that Marriage wasn’t all that important, and so long as you provided a legal document of divorce one could walk away from marriage in a “no-fault” kind of way.

But Jesus wants us to know that it is not that simple.

Matt 5:31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. 

Like most of what we have read in this Sermon on the Mount, Jesus’ teaching on the subject of marriage and divorce don’t find wide acceptance in our present day. Modern sensibilities have not only downgraded the importance of marriage (Biblical) but have also reduced the significance of divorce.

Many of you have experienced divorce either personally or through someone close to you. Many of you still bear the scars from a divorce that took place within your family. Many of you look at divorce as one of the most difficult and shaping events of your life. Because of this, it is nearly impossible to talk about divorce or to teach on divorce in a way that will shield you from the stirring up of painful memories and emotions. It is not my intention to be offensive, it is, however, my intention and calling, to be honest with you about what the Bible says and that may result in your being offended. May God show us grace as we navigate these waters together.

Sermon Focus…

I. What is Marriage?

Marriage was God’s idea from the very beginning. Marriage is not a human concept or a social construct. Marriage is not simply a legal contract for the purpose of state-recognized tax incentives. Marriage is not simply a way to propagate the human race, nor is it simply God approved mating.

According to Genesis 2, Marriage is an institution established by God and ordained by God at the very beginning of human history. God instituted marriage as the foundation for all of society. This is incredibly important for us to understand because when we see that marriage is God’s idea we must also see that He is the one who establishes the rules that govern it.

In his book, Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel, Ray Ortlund writes:

“Marriage is not a human invention; it is a divine revelation. Its design was never part of our own made up arrangement; it was given to us at the beginning of all things, as a bright shining monument of eternal significance. We might not always live up to its grandeur. None of us does so perfectly. But we have no right to redefine it, and we have every reason to revere it.”[1]

Marriage was designed by God as a way for a man and a woman to enter into one intimate relationship that in part would allow us to experience the intimacy that each of us truly longs for and to experience the type of intimacy that is perfected within the Godhead. At no other point in nature does 1 + 1 = 1 save in the marriage of a man and woman. In no other relationship in the universe does 1 + 1 + 1 = 1 save in the divine trinity. I believe that God designed marriage as a way of allowing us, His creatures, a taste of the intimacy that He enjoys in the godhead perfectly.

But there is more to the mystery of marriage and it is that the marriage relationship between a man and woman is to be a display of the gospel to the world. In Ephesians 5 Paul tells us that marriage, flawed though it is because of sin, is to be a vivid display of the love that Jesus Christ has for His bride, and the submissive respect that the church has for her Lord

Marriage is God’s idea and is therefore governed by God’s Word. Marriage is the foundational institution upon which all of society and culture is built. Marriage is a covenant between one man and one woman in the eyes of God and for the duration of their lives. Marriage is a beautiful gift from God that beckons us to behold the sin-overcoming grace of God in Jesus.

But marriage, like everything else in this world is subject to sin. So, what happens when sin begins to affect our marriage?

II. Marriage is worth fighting for.

First, let’s understand that Marriage is not the problem, sin is. Sin is the result of our desire for pleasure, comfort or control, which overshadows our desire to please God. Sin is our natural selfish inclination to have what we want, when we want it and how we want it. When you take two people who are both plagued by this problem and you put them into the same house together, it gets messy quick.

It’s especially difficult in the first year of marriage because that year is largely about getting to know one another and getting to know yourself. Marriage is intended to produce intimacy between a husband and wife and that intimacy is not easily gained, it must be pursued and fought for. Some days you take two steps forward in intimacy, the next day you might take one step back.

But what happens when sin crowds out intimacy? What happens when a husband gets to know his wife, but he fails to learn anything about himself? What happens when desire gives way to sin and sin gives way to fighting and we haven’t learned how to fight fair? What are we to do when marriage becomes difficult?

Friends, I want to encourage you that your marriage is worth fighting for and I want to offer you 6 weapons that you need to use regularly as you battle to have a godly marriage.

1. Remember Your Vows - We don’t often make vows in life, in fact the Scriptures are going to warn us against making vows rashly. But when we make a vow before our spouse, our pastor, our family, our friends and before God; it is no small thing. And yet, how often do we simply forget the vows we made to love in sickness and in health, to love for richer or for poorer, to love until death do us part.

Often times, we make those vows with no integrity at all. What we really mean is I’ll love you as long as it’s good, because we all have the hope and expectation that it will be good. But when it gets difficult we  need to remember that we made a commitment before God to love our spouse and that is going to be difficult at times.

Loving your spouse is going to mean that you forego your own happiness at times, and that’s OK because marriage is not primarily about your happiness, it’s much more about your holiness. Marriage is one of the most powerful tools in God’s toolbox when it comes to our growth in godliness.

2. Remember the Word of God - When Leigh and I got married in 2001 we very quickly moved 9 hours away to Kansas City, MO where I was enrolled in Seminary. I had just completed my undergrad and Leigh was still working on hers when we got married and moved away from both of our families and our home church.

We had gone through pre-marital counseling and it was a big help, but nothing really prepared us for the first couple of months of being married and being alone in a place that was foreign to us. Those first few months were hard, but they were beautiful in that we had nowhere else to turn but to the Word of God and to one another in order to work out our problems.

We learned to navigate the ups and downs of married life together and with our Bibles open. I praise God for those years and for the instruction that I received from the Word on how to love my wife, how to encourage her, how to listen to her, how to wash her with the water of the Word, how to be gentle with her, how to care for her, and the truth is I am still learning.

3. Relate to your Spouse – In conflict the worst thing you can do is to wall yourself off from your husband or your wife. Talk to one another. Listen to one another and work on the problems together. But don’t wait until things get bad to try and work on your relationship. Turn off the TV, put down your phone, close your computer and simply talk to one another. Facebook can wait but your wife shouldn’t have to.

4. Repent of Your Sin – Our initial response is usually that the problem is not with me, it’s with her. But consider that the problem you are having in your marriage is not primarily about your spouse. It may be that you are the one that is most in need of growth. Most of us are really good at pointing out the faults in our spouse, but we are terrible at seeing our own.

So be honest with yourself and with your spouses. Be willing to see what the real problem is and when the problem reveals your sin or shortcoming, be the first to ask for forgiveness and to repent.

This is another place where the Word of God is going to be critical for us, but let me caution you to use the Word like a band-aid and not like a baseball bat. When my kids get a cut or a bruise a band-aid just makes it all better because it comforts the hurt, it covers the wound and it holds out the promise of healing over time. That’s how we should use the Word in our marriages, to comfort our hurts, to cover our wounds and to bring growth and healing over time.

Where truth needs to be spoken firmly, speak but check your motives before you wade into war. We need to wash each other with the word, which implies gentleness. We need to “live with our wives in an understanding way, showing honor (I Pet 3:7).”

5. Receive Godly Counsel – Contrary to our own opinion, we are not always the wisest people in the world. There are times when we need to receive the counsel of other Godly men and women, and we need to be prepared to follow it. There are two steps to receiving counsel, hearing and following. Don’t reject the counsel of another simply because it is difficult, if the council is Biblically sound and contextually appropriate, follow it. If you are not sure if it meets those criteria, then include other counselors in the process.

Proverbs 11:14 Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.

6. Be Reconciled to Your Spouse –We live in a day when divorce is put on the table before most other steps are taken. But the pursuit of reconciliation is the posture of Gospel people. Reconciliation can only happen when sin is confessed and forgiven. But it can happen and should happen in the lives of Christians because we are a people whose lives are defined by reconciliation.

Of all people, Christians should be those who champion confession of sin and the forgiveness that follows, because we are those who have confessed our sin and found forgiveness in Christ. We should be those who wait patiently for and who fight for reconciliation because we have been reconciled to God, many of us after years of sinful rebellion.

Now, that we have talked about what marriage is and some ways that we can fight for our marriage, let’s talk about the other side of this passage in Matthew 5.

III. What is divorce?

Matt 5:31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. 

Jesus addresses the issue of divorce in all of the gospels and when he does he is not only addressing divorce itself but also the current controversy that was taking place between the rival rabbinic schools of Hillel and Shammai. You can see the debate much more clearly by reading Matthew 19.

Matt 19:3 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?”

In Deut 24, Moses allowed for a man to divorce his wife if she found no favor in his eyes because he found some indecency in her. Shammai taught that the indecency Moses referred to was adultery, but others broadened their interpretation. Some rabbis such as Hillel, taught that if a wife spoiled dinner a man had a right to divorce her. Another named Akiba, allowed for divorce if the man found a woman that was prettier.[2]

The actual phrase in Deuteronomy refers to a scandalous act of sexual misconduct, which means that these latter interpretations are not only wrong, but they are mocking the sanctity of Marriage. They are using the letter of the law as a way to justify their sinful desires. Jesus clearly sides with the more conservative school on this issue, but He's going to go even further than that.

8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” 

Notice that the Pharisees say that Moses commanded divorce, but Jesus points out that Moses allowed for divorce. God allowed for divorce as an act of grace intended to cover the shame of sin within us and within our marriage. But divorce is never commanded and it is only permitted in very specific circumstances.

Jesus’ teaching on divorce is clear. He restricts divorce in every circumstance but sexual immorality (adultery) and desertion by an unbeliever.

Matt 5:32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Matt 19:9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

1 Corinthians7:12 To the rest I say… that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him… 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved (Is Free). God has called you to peace.

So there are three principles we need to understand and follow from these passages when it comes to divorce.

1. Divorce is permitted, but not required, on the ground of sexual immorality.

2. Divorce is permitted, but not required, on the ground of desertion by an unbelieving spouse.

3. When the divorce was not permissible, any subsequent remarriage (to someone other than the original spouse) results in adultery.

But what about those whose divorce was permissible? When the divorce was legitimate, I believe, a person is free to remarry. I believe that when Jesus uses the exception clause in Matthew 5 and 19 which allows for divorce that it also gives that person the freedom to remarry. At the same time, I believe that Paul is supporting this idea in I Cor 7:15 when he says that the Christian who was abandoned by an unbelieving spouse is “free” or “not enslaved.”

There are some guys whom I greatly respect who would disagree with me on this. Some would agree that divorce is permissible in the case of those two exceptions, but that remarriage is not. And it really comes down to what Paul means by “free” in I Cor and whether or not Jesus’ exception applies to both divorce and remarriage. I think free means free from covenant responsibilities and therefore free to remarry. I think the exception modifies both.

But how would Jesus’ audience understand this teaching? Here’s a pretty strong statement on that issue from Kevin DeYoung…

“All scholars on every side of this divorce and remarriage debate agree that it was a given for first century Jews that remarriage was a valid option after a valid divorce. To be granted a legal separation meant de facto that you were no longer bound to anyone and thus free to remarry. No one in Jesus audience was thinking that remarriage wouldn’t be an option.”[3]

In situations where the divorce was permissible, remarriage is also permissible. This does not mean that you should run out and be married again, but I believe that it is permissible for you to do so.

Conclusion…

I know that this sermon has probably raised a ton of questions in your minds. Many of these questions are difficult because they don’t fit neatly into a Biblical scenario and they are difficult because of the emotion involved. But we can’t let complexity or emotion drown out God’s Word. So, in closing I want to address 4 groups of people this morning.

1. To those who are married I want to urge you to not only stay married but also to fight for your marriage, work at your marriage, pray for your marriage and guard your marriage. Just because things are good for you right now doesn’t mean that you are not open to temptation and just because things are bad right now doesn’t mean that your marriage can’t get gloriously better. Remember your vows, remember the Word, work on your relationship, repent of your sin, receive Godly counsel, and above all seek reconciliation.

2. To those who are single I want you to know that to find a godly spouse is to find a good thing. But, both Jesus and Paul are clear that a full and godly life can be lived in singleness. Read I Corinthians 7 and meditate on its instruction. Focus on the fact that the true aim of a disciple of Christ is to be devoted to the Lord in all things. Marriage is a beautiful gift from God but your manhood or womanhood is no less intact because of your singleness.

3. To those who are divorced but shouldn’t be I want you to know that divorce is not an unpardonable sin. There is grace in Christ that is more than a match for your sin. I want to urge you to find forgiveness at the cross and let the kindness of the Lord bring you to fresh repentance and then as much as you are able, seek reconciliation. In Christ, there is always the hope of reconciliation but if that doesn’t happen, don’t seek remarriage with someone else.

4. To those who were improperly divorced and now remarried I think you should follow Paul’s instruction and stay as you are but seek forgiveness and repentance for your past sins. I would also urge you to make amends with your ex-spouse, your children, your family, your friends, and your church. I would urge you to also find the grace and mercy of Christ to be enough to satisfy the guilt of your past. But I would also challenge you to guard your current marriage with newfound wisdom, strength and purpose.

Marriage is a gift from God, but sin is still our enemy. Jesus shows us grace when he allows for divorce in certain cases, but He reminds us in these passages that this whole issue of divorce is really brought about by our hardness of heart. Marriage is supposed to be this grand thing that gives us a taste of true intimacy. It is also the grand theme of the story of redemption that God is writing for all the world to see.

That gospel story is ultimately a story of reconciliation. It is the story of how an infinitely patient and loving God has pursued and won back His often adulterous and wayward bride. If you are a believer in Christ today then you are the product of God’s reconciling work and you have the promise of His Word that He nothing can ever separate you from His love, He will never divorce you.

 

 

[1] Ray Ortlund, Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel (preface)

[2] Leon Morris, Luke (TNTC, pg 275).

[3] Keving DeYoung sermon notes What Did Jesus Think of Divorce and Remarriage? 

 
 

The Gospel at Home (1 of 2)

Series: Colossians

Speaker: Pastor Justin Wheeler

Scripture: Colossians 3:18-4:1

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One of the greatest gifts that God has ever given to man is a wife and one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given to woman is a husband. In the days of creation when God made Adam and Eve and placed them in the Garden to be together He looked on what He had made and declared it very good. God has made some amazing things and He has given us some amazing gifts, but the greatest gift, apart from Christ Himself, is the man or woman sitting beside you right now.

As the creation narrative unfolds we see that this gift wasn’t lost on Adam. When he first laid eyes on Eve his response was that he started singing. Adam became a poet the moment he saw his wife because he knew that she was a gift like no other. But it didn’t take long for this gift to become corrupted by sin.

The marriage relationship of a man and a woman, as wonderful as God intended it to be, has taken a hit. It was in Genesis 3 when Adam and Eve rebelled against God that sin entered into the world and into human hearts and as a result the marriage relationship has been troubled ever since. And it’s not just the marriage relationship that has been affected, our entire home life is still reeling from the effects of sin.

But there is hope because the gospel mends broken relationships. That’s what we’ve been studying these past few weeks in Colossians 3. Through Christ our relationship to God that was broken because of sin has now been restored by faith and not by works. Through Christ we are not who we once were, we are dead to sin and have the life of God flowing through us.

Christ has mended our relationship to God, He has given us the power to mend our relationship to one another in the church and He has given us the power to resurrect a broken marriage and the relationship that are broken within the home.

Transition…

You see the gospel not only has something to say about our relationship to God, our relationship to one another in the church; it also bears its weight on our home. So this morning we are going to look at Colossians 3:18-19 verses where God gives instruction on how the gospel shapes the relationship between a husband and wife.

Col 3:18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. 22 Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eyeservice, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. 25 For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality.

4 Masters, treat your bondservants justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven.

Before we really begin to dissect the text here I want to say something about the scope of this sermon and I want to say something to those among us who are not married. First this sermon is not intended to cover every detail of the marriage relationship. The context of Colossians is quite limited and each piece of instruction about the Christian home is given in one verse statements. But this passage is not the only one that addresses the roles of men and women in the home.

Back in October and November of 2014 I preached a 5-part series on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood so if you are interested in going deeper into this subject I would encourage you to go to our website and dig up that sermon audio. There are also a host of good books that have been written on the subject and we have several of them in our library. One of my favorites came out last year written by Ray Ortlund titled Marriage and Mystery of the Gospel.

To those of you who are single I want you to know that these truths are important for all of God’s people in that they reveal the wisdom of God and the power of the gospel to affect all of our relationships. It may be that you are young and not yet married and these verses will speak to your heart in such a way that they prepare you for a grace-filled and gospel rich marriage in the future. I pray that would be the case.

But it may also be that you are single for some other reason. I want to remind you that you are not loved by God any less because of your singleness. I want you to know that I love you, that your church family loves you and needs you because you are a precious child of God and dearly loved member of this church family.

Sermon Focus…

In this passage, Paul turns his attention from the spiritual family (ie. The church) to the physical family in what is often called the “household codes” because it deals with the essential relationships that were common in a 1st century household. This kind of teaching was common in the Greco-Roman world. For the Greeks and Romans this type of instruction wasn’t religious at all but rather it came from the realm of philosophy.

Aristotle divided the household into three essential relations: master and slave, husband and wife, the parent and child. So instruction for the home life was “in the air” and because the gospel affects all of our relationships, it makes sense that Paul would want to address how it affects the home. In a sense, Paul is saying, “Yes these are the essential relationships in a 1st century household, but the gospel is going to influence those relationships in a distinct and countercultural way.”

And as we work through this we will see that the relational dynamics addressed here are to reflect a distinctly Christian spirit. The gospel doesn’t erase our existing social relationship but it does transform them and the question is how? Let’s look first at the relationship of a wife to her husband.

I. A Word to Wives…

Col 3:18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Now, right out of the gate I know that this is troubling and uncomfortable for many of you. The idea of submission seems archaic and degrading, which causes a lot of women to simply reject what the Bible teaches on this subject. But I want to suggest two things: 1. That Submission might not mean what we think it means and 2. That God wants to lead us into a relational dynamic that is better than what we could come up with on our own.

God designed marriage in the beginning, it was His idea and the instruction that we see throughout the Bible is not meant to suck the joy out of our lives and our marriage but is instead meant to lead us into greater joy in marriage.

Submission is not servile groveling at the feet of a domineering husband. Submission in the home is ultimately to be a reflection of the Church’s submission to Christ, which is the most grace-fueled and loving relationship in the world. At the same time, this picture of the Christian home is about God restoring peace into our lives that was lost in the Fall. God is not taking something away from us but is instead giving us something that we never even knew we could have.

So, before we reject what this verse says let’s work to try and understand what it actually means. This verse is almost identical to what we read in Ephesians 5:22 and the first part of 1 Peter 3:1, meaning that this instruction for wives is consistent throughout the NT. But what exactly does this word submit mean? And how should we view this role?

The term submit here means the voluntary recognition of a divinely ordered structure. For wives to submit to their husbands means that they are voluntarily and humbly putting themselves under their own husband’s leadership because she recognizes that God has ordered the home in this way. The same word is used all over the NT to describe different forms of submission that takes place in the world. We are to submit to God. We are to submit to one another. Christians are to submit to governing authorities. Members of the church are to submit to their leaders. In each category the term means a recognition of an established order of authority as determined by God.

Now, this call to submit does not negate all of the other promises, blessings and responsibilities that belong to Christian women. You are a dearly loved daughter of God and you should be treated with dignity, honor, respect and love by all Christian men, but especially your husband. So this instruction about submission to your husband is not degrading to you nor does it give the husband a green light to treat you like a doormat.

But at the same time we need to recognize that submission is not the natural posture of our sinful heart. The natural posture of our hearts is to seek our own way, not God’s way. Our natural inclination is not to submission but to domination, which means that Christ is calling us to something here that flows out of our relationship to Him. And just so we don’t get tunnel vision, this type of submission is to sweeten and flavor the entire Christian community.

Eph 5:20 give thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

The presence of Jesus among us should lead us to serve one another, to outdo one another in showing honor, should lead us to humbly count others as more significant than ourselves (Phil 2:3). Submission and servanthood are to be a hallmarks of the entire church.

But then for the wife in particular, God calls you to live out this Christian heart of submission and servanthood toward your husband as toward no other. Paul is urging women to submit to their own husbands and submission does not mean weakness. Godly submission may be one of the strongest personal character qualities in the world. It takes great strength of character as well as great humility to submit to another person out of love and that is what Paul is calling for here.

But submission does not mean inferiority either. Jesus submitted to the Father and that does not mean that Jesus was inferior. Jesus willingly assumed a position of responsibility by submitting to the authority of His Father.

And when we carry that over we learn that the Christian calling upon the wife is to voluntary submission to her own husband with godly wisdom and dignity, not blind obedience to an unbelieving tyrant. In other words, this is not absolute submission to a man but willing submission based on one’s faith in Christ. The final phrase in this verse makes clear that a Christian wife’s submission is ultimately to flow out of her love for Christ.

Ok, so what does this look like? A submissive wife is going to be supportive and respectful of her husband. A wise wife is going to think for herself and communicate with her husband her thoughts, desires and fears. She will at times disagree with her husband and seek to add her counsel to the situation in a respectful way. But in the end she seeks to let her submission to her husband be a reflection of her submission to Christ (Eph 5). She will follow her husband’s lead and support him as he assumes the responsibility that God has place on him within the family.

“By trusting the Lord and embracing her calling, a Christian wife empowers her husband as no one else on the face of the earth can do. She is so secure in Christ that she is no longer jealous to establish her own identity separate from her husband. She understands how profound it is to be one flesh with him, and she gives him her whole heart and her practical support.” Ray Ortlund (Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel, pg. 94)

Jesus sets us free to be truly human and he teaches us to express ourselves according to God’s design, which is not to grapple for control but to serve one another in love. Submission is about humble service, loving support, and mutual respect that both honors God and leads us into joy.

There’s more. The role of wives in the Christian home is intended to have a companion and that is the role of the husband.

II. A Word to Husbands…

19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

In the Greco-Roman world of the early church it would have been mildly counter-cultural for wives to submit to their husbands. In all honesty, Roman wives were expected to assume a position of obedience not unlike a slave. So Paul’s instruction for Christian wives is much different. But the requirement for husbands to sacrificially love their wives was completely unheard of in Paul’s day. Here again is a uniquely Christian emphasis being placed on the family dynamic.

The call for Christians to love one another is widely taught in the NT. Our first duty is to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and our second duty is to love our neighbor as ourselves. We are to love one another, we are to love our neighbors, we are even to love our enemies. And this call to love is rooted in the love that we have been shown by Christ. He loved us while we were still sinners. He loves us even though we are constantly unworthy of love. He loved us to the point of death on the cross and He will love us forever.

His love fuels our love and as husbands we have been given one human relationship where our love is to be most keenly directed and that is toward our wives. And notice that this is not a love that stays bottled up in our hearts as a feeling but is a love that we express. Paul tells us that our treatment of our wives is to be characterized by sacrificial love and not harshness. In other words, our leadership in the home is not to be carried out in such a way that it leads to bitterness in our wives. We are to be gentle, humble, respectful and are to love our wives in such a way that we make it easy for them to respect and support us.

Men, our wives are real human beings made in the image of God and they are our sisters in Christ. Loving our wives will often mean that we put her interests ahead of our own. In fact, we see another parallel here to Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” The love that we have for our wives is to be a reflection of the love that Christ has for us; a patient love, a tender love, a unique love, a lasting love and a sacrificial love.

When we trust the Lord and embrace our calling as Christian husbands, we are going to strive to love our wives like Christ loves us. We are going to sacrifice our wants and needs in order to serve, honor, respect and love our wives. This is what Christ did for the church. He laid aside His own glory and power in order to meet the needs of His people. Men this is what we are called to in relationship with our wives. To love them like Christ.

Brothers, you aren’t called to simply put up with your wives but to cherish them, to actively love them the way Christ loves us. We don’t treat our wives like servants but like sisters in the Lord and the most precious gift of God this side of the gospel.

(Appli…Husbands, be sensitive to your wife’s needs and her feelings. Learn what helps her to feel loved and don’t forget. Probe her heart to the point that you know her well and understand what her spiritual as well as physical needs are and then live with her in such a way that you meet those needs and honor your wife.

Now before we take this too far I want us to remember that there is a sense in which we as husbands will not be able to meet our wife’s deepest needs. Only Christ can fulfill the deep needs of our souls so let’s not carry this verse out to an absurd conclusion. I cannot save my wife from sin, I cannot ultimately fulfill my wife in all the ways she wants or needs to be fulfilled because that role belongs to Christ alone, but I must strive to know her well and love her well.

When I speak in such a way that it hurts her feelings and she tells me that, I need to listen and learn.

When I hold her in such a way that she feels safe and loved, I need to remember that and do it more often.

When she goes out of her way to show me love and respect I need to recognize that and honor her for it.

When I come home from my meetings at the end of a long day and I recognize that she’s worn out from her day as well I need to show her the same respect that I would want her to show me.

When you recognize that your wife needs some time away from the kids make it happen for her.

When things go completely sideways and you don’t understand what your wife is going through emotionally, or you don’t know what to do to “fix it”; be patient, work hard to listen, and practice simply being there for her.

Conclusion…

Col 3:18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

To both the husband and the wife let’s be honest and say that this is going to take some work. This isn’t going to happen overnight and it isn’t going to happen because we demand it from one another. By the way, my love for my wife is not dependent upon her submission, nor vice versa. Each of us has a responsibility to walk in this and our ultimate obedience is to Jesus. I love my wife because she is lovely and loveable, but ultimately I love my wife because Christ calls me to love my wife.

My wife seeks to honor, respect and submit to me not because I am imminently worthy of those things, but because she loves the Lord and wants to be faithful to Him. We want to be faithful to the Lord, we want to relate to one another in a godly way, and we want the gospel to bear fruit in our home. That starts with the husband and the wife.

God has a purpose for how our family life is to be structured. There are patterns of authority and submission, leadership and obedience that God intends us to embrace as born again people. It would be wrong to assume that these principles are outdated and don’t need to be accepted. It would be wrong for us to assume that since many of us grew up in Christian homes that we already know what this should look like.

Rather, we should study this passage and the others that correspond to it (Ephesians 5, I Peter 3, and Titus 2). We should seek to understand how God is calling us to live with one another and to how to treat one another. We need to examine our own lives, our own relationships and our own homes. We need to seek forgiveness from one another where we have failed and then with humility and patience we need to seek to let the gospel invade our family.

Let me encourage you to sit down and talk with one another about this. Open up your Bibles, pray for God’s help and patience, then begin to talk about what this can and should look like in your home. If you have really blown it then own that and seek forgiveness, but also seek to grow in your God-given responsibility. Ask questions. Be a good listener and pray that God would help you both to grow in your roles.